POTUS is a Goof (apologies to Bock & Harnick)

(to the tune of "Tradition" from Fiddler on the Roof)


The President's a goof. Sounds crazy, no? But in our little country of America,
you might say every one of us is a goof,
trying to figure out how the hell we got here. It isn't easy.
You may ask, why do we stay here if it's so dangerous?
We stay because America is our home... And how do we keep our freedoms?
That I can tell you in one word... Sedition."

Sedition! Sedition....SEDITION.
Sedition! Sedition....SEDITION.

Because of our sedition, we've kept our freedoms for many, many years.
Here in America we have fights about everything...
left-wing, right-wing, populist, Democrat, Republican.
For instance, we always fight against stupidity and lies, no matter what...
This shows our constant devotion to truth. You may ask, how did this sedition get started?
I'll tell you - I don't know. But it's sedition.
Because of our sedition, we freed ourselves from British tyranny and overturned slavery.

What do you do when POTUS is a danger, doesn't trust a stranger, acts like he's the king?
And how do you stop his threatening and tweeting, do you take a meeting? NO.

Sedition! Sedition....SEDITION.
Sedition! Sedition....SEDITION.

Who must know the way to stop a maniac
From leading us to bomb attack?
Who should see if Russia's planning to cyber-hack,
So we can live and have our country back?

The Congress! The Congress. SEDITION.
The Congress! The Congress. SEDITION.

Those boys of his go in his steps, they never learned a trade.
Both Don and Eric run his business. Damn, that's shitty!

Impeachment! Impeachment. SEDITION.
Impeachment! Impeachment. SEDITION.

Ivanka is a peach.
She is her daddy's girl.
Preparing to take over,
I think I'm gonna hurl!

Corruption! Corruption. SEDITION.
Corruption! Corruption. SEDITION.

And in the circle of our little-handed leader, we have our special types.
For instance, Bannon, the troublemaker...
and Sessions, the bigot.
And most important, our beloved Spicey...
And the rest of us, we get along perfectly well.
Of course, there was the time when they refused a hearing to a SCOTUS nominee,
but that's all settled now. Now we live in simple peace and harmony and..."

(chaos ensues)

The Tale of Donald Trump (apologies to Stephen Sondheim)

(sung to the tune of "The Ballad of Sweeney Todd")

Attend the tale of Donald Trump,
With orange hair and ample rump.
He claimed success as a business man,
But all of his bankruptcies prove that's a scam.
From Donald. From Donald Trump.
The evil user of mean tweets.

He tried to sell us steaks and schools.
He never followed the laws or rules.
He'll run the country into the ground.
We start to think he's too tightly wound.
That's Donald. That's Donald Trump.
The constant user of mean tweets.

Hold that cellphone firm, Donald!
Do your Twitter proud!
Better than your wretched voice when heard out loud!

He'll take the seniors' food away.
He'll build a wall and we'll have to pay.
Before you know, he'll kill the press,
I wonder why we're in such a mess.
It's Donald! It's Donald Trump!
That rotten user of Mean! Tweets!

Words have meaning, whether you understand them or not

Whether you call it a Muslim ban (or a "Muslim ban") or travel ban or Ray-Ban, it's still not going to get past judges who have read and understand the Constitution. There is video out there showing Trump calling to ban Muslims. There is video of Giuliani explaining how he advised Trump on getting around the idea of a Muslim ban. But here's the thing: he said it. And whether he meant it or not, those are the words he used. No take-backs allowed.

As long as the man who promised to ban Muslims from our country keeps writing executive orders to do what he promised, they will fail. As long as he directs the ban on countries who have no history of involvement with terrorism on our soil, while skipping the countries that he does business with, it will fail.

Wiretap. That's another word that means something. Even if you misspell it, or surround it in quotation marks, it means something. HERE are several definitions. If you want to accuse someone of wiretapping, know what you're accusing him of. It's not a metaphor for spying in general. (Insert "what's a meta for?" joke here.)

Of course, this president is not interested in being correct or understanding meanings of words. If he was, he would apologize for his careless tweets. He would know what the hell he was talking about before mouthing off (tweeting off?).

Thanks for your time.

The New Devil's Dictionary (apologies to Ambrose Bierce)

The English language, as interpreted by 45 and his minions:

failure: used to describe any person or organization that enjoys major success while at the same time making Trump and his administration look bad. See: failing New York Times, failing Saturday Night Live, failing Affordable Care Act.

microwave oven: a tool used by the Obama administration to spy on poor unsuspecting Republicans. Also, a device used to reheat leftover Chinese takeout.

wire tapping: another word for surreptitious surveillance. Should not be confused with "wiretapping."

alternative facts: lies.

misspoke: lied.

press conference: A place designed to have your surrogates lie for you.

Sunday morning news shows: a great place to test your lying, denying and deflecting skills.

I was joking: Used after making a threaten, after being accused of threatening someone.

crowd size: a metaphor for penis size. It is important for some men to have their crowd size described as "yuge."

Twitter: what to do when you wake up in the middle of the night, can't get back to sleep, and are really pissed off about something.

unfair: describes when a friend or family member is treated negatively by the press, Congress or Nordstrom's.

No, YOU'RE the puppet!

There was a moment in the 2016 Presidential debates where Hillary referred to Trump as a puppet of Vladimir Putin. Trump's response, "No, YOU'RE the puppet!" is indicative of a pattern in the ongoing litany of accusations we've heard from him. It's called "psychological projection," a theory in in which people defend themselves against their own qualities by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others. Children express it as "I'm the rubber, you're the glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks on to you!"

Watch and listen. Anytime Trump hurls an accusation, you can be sure it is something he's guilty of. He accused Hillary of starting the birther claims that he promulgated. He labels the most respected news organizations as "fake news," while he gets his information from such discredited sources as Breitbart, Alex Jones and Fox & Friends. He accused Bill Clinton of rape to deflect from his own pussy-grabbing history. And on and on.

So now we come to Trump's accusations aimed at former President Obama. The former President who, after years of dealing with Trump's racism-fueled birtherism, sat for this photo op as part of the transition.

 

Now Trump accused him of wiretapping him at Trump Tower. It makes me think that Trump is covering up some espionage of his own. Oh yeah, like when he encouraged Russia to spy on the Clinton campaign. Projecting much, DJT?

 



Therapy Sessions

Jeff Sessions, explaining away his lie to Congress:

"Sergey? He's Russian? I thought he was from Belarus!?"

"We were just swappin' stories about the Crimson Tide! Can you believe he went to Alabama?"

"I just had to get his meemaw's blini recipe."

"I says to him, "Sergey," I says, "ya gotta cut down on the carbs."

"When you said 'so help you God,' I thought you said 'please help my dog.'"

Sorry. Not my presidential

More than once today, people whose opinions I respect told me, "at least he sounded presidential." Well, if your expectations are rock bottom low, they can only be surpassed. Sure, he sounded almost like he cares about people, but did you pay attention to the content?

Trump and I are never going to agree on ideology, but just restating your claims in a calm, coherent voice does not make them presidential. It's merely civil and adult; it's what we should expect from any speaker.

Here's what would be presidential, in my book:

• Acknowledge that more than half the country did not vote for you, and that your popularity is the lowest for any new president in history. Offer to reach out and change that. ("I understand that not everyone is a supporter, but here is what I will do to change your minds..")
• Hate the press all you want; every other president has. But stop calling them fake or enemies or liars. Not only isn't it presidential, it is counter to our Constitutional tradition and it only makes them dig in more.
• If you are truly not involved with Russia and not involved in conflicts of interests, encourage investigations. How presidential would that be? So magnanimous. If I knew I was innocent of a crime, I'd offer my DNA; you should as well.
• Move on from the election. The public disagrees with your stats? You won, move on. You think Obama and Hillary are conspiring against you? You think Jews are desecrating their own cemeteries to make you look bad? Don't be ridiculous. You won, stop listening to Bannon, move on.
• Get some opinions from other sources. Most presidents had cabinet members from opposing parties. Obama had at least three. Looks presidential, and shows confidence.

Of course, this is highly unlikely, based on the record. Trump is not someone who ever admits being wrong or mistaken. But he gave himself a C on communication, and his performance on this speech demonstrates that someone convinced him to do it differently. How scared must they all be to have gotten him to buckle down, talk in complete sentences and without the constant repetition that he usually delivers. He must have rehearsed, long and hard. Didn't someone make fun of Hillary Clinton for rehearsing?